A Proposal for Defense Against the War on Christmas

A Proposal for Defense Against the War on Christmas A Modest Proposal for Defense Against the War on Christmas Leah Abrams Across this great and beautiful nation, bombs are dropping. Swords are being raised, grenades are being launched, and battalions are being activated. What aim do our aggressors pursue? What is the flag flown in this frightful fight? The bloody battle being waged against hard-working Americans everywhere is the most outrageous and troubling issue facing our generation†¦ The War on Christmas. The War on Christmas is just the next scheme on the liberal agenda attempting to turn us all into atheist, sexually immoral deviants. However, in recent years, they have escalated this ambush on Christmas spirit to an unprecedented extreme. At this point, the forced removal of Christ from the holiday season is the most preposterous violation of liberty in this nation’s history. Ladies and gentlemen, we have reached a juncture at which the Christmas season lasts only from November 1st to December 25th. I know- despicable. The War on Christmas is a threat to Christians everywhere. PC-police and social justice warriors are attempting to bring about a world in which we say â€Å"happy holidays† instead of â€Å"merry christmas;† a world in which Starbucks cups are merely red and green for a few weeks- with no sign of Christ, a tree, or Santa Claus on the entire cup. Where is our love for religion? Where is our dedication to Christian values? Where is our deeply held belief in Santa Claus, Rudolph, and that little New Year’s Baby? Obama has even renamed the White House Christmas tree the â€Å"Holiday Tree.† Why must they target Christmas? I hold that Christmas remains the primary target of all grinches because it is objectively and undoubtedly the best holiday of all time. Our assailants know that they must defeat us by attempting to abait our Christmas cheer, by attempting to destroy our love of mistletoe, and by attempting to remove our favorite carols from malls across America. But we can withstand this injustice no longer. It is time to launch back with all of our effort, spirit, and stamina. It is time to muster all of our strength and defend the true Christmas spirit. For this reason, I’ve drawn up a modest proposal for a counterattack in the heart wrenching War on Christmas. I propose that we pass a national law mandating an extension of the Christmas season to 365 days per year. You heard me right, folks. I am proposing a year-round celebration of Christmas. Every mall in the United States will echo with Christmas carols 24/7, spurring on Christmas gift shopping. Every home will be decorated with a fragrant, beautiful pine tree in its living room. Santa Clauses will be set up on every corner, and ABC Family’s 25 Days of Christmas will become ABC Family’s 365 Days of Christmas. Even better, federal law will require a detailed depiction of the crucifix on each and every grande Starbucks cup. Tall cups will be decorated with a holly wreath, and ventis will display the three wisemen. I suppose that my heartless opponents will attempt to find flaws in my foolproof plan. They may argue that celebrating Christmas all year round diverts attention from lesser-known, less important holidays- that it’s unfair to people who celebrate things like Divalidan or Chanukwanzah. However, Christmas is simply a better holiday, and deserves more attention, joy, and frenzy surrounding it. I know that people of other religions will agree, and eventually, through the constant celebration of Christmas, they will come around to join us. Never fear, dear readers, I have nothing to gain from this proposal. In fact, I am far from having any sort of monetary or power-seeking motive in this endeavor, as I do not celebrate Christmas. The war on Christmas is an inherent violation of our God-given right to shove our religion down everyone else’s throats. Never again will someone tell me â€Å"happy holidays† or to enjoy my â€Å"winter break.† It’s time to take a stand in defense of the Christmas spirit. My fellow Americans, join me in defending your Christian morals. Join me in defending Santa, Rudolph, and Frosty. Join me in celebrating the best movies, songs, and sweaters of all time. Join me in saying â€Å"Merry Christmas-† all year.